Can you have a “do it yourself funeral” is a question one cannot answer for oneself. For obvious reasons … you simply cannot … you as a deceased person will not be able to undertake any of the actions required to carry off the task. If one is thinking along this line … wishing for a home-based funeral for themselves … one needs to ask their family, can you have a home-based funeral… for me? Do you feel up to the task?

Now, this is where the word may might come into play … may is a word we use to ask permission. May you have a home-based funeral is a question you ask of your state. The answer is mostly yes. You may legally have some form of home-based funeral in all fifty states. In all but three—Washington, California, and Indiana—you may even bury at home. Still, each state has laws that must be adhered to. When a family assumes responsibility for care of the dead, they must adhere to all of the same laws that professional funeral directors must observe. Therefore, advance preparation is very important. If an individual is considering a home-based funeral and or burial on their private property, research regarding the legal requirements and a clear understanding of the tasks involved with consent from family members who will be responsible for carrying out the plan should be done well in advance. So, just to be clear, you may (legally) have a home-based funeral if your family can (is up to the task) do it.

If you know someone in their mid to late nineties, this person might remember when care of the dead was done in the home by family. Funerals, wakes, and visitation all took place at home. Some of these folks may have a bit of nostalgia for the old ways. Family involvement is cathartic, and being actively involved in preparation for a funeral helps a person process the reality of the death and feel less helpless. On the other hand, some may remember being uncomfortable living in a home where death care was taking place. These folks are usually thankful for the availability of professional death care and funerals that take place out of the home. There is no right or wrong here, and what works for one family may not be the choice of another.

You can go back and recapture the aspects of past times that provided warmth and comfort, but you don’t have to go all the way back to the days of no help. We still do our Thanksgiving feast every year, but most of us accept help. We buy the rolls, and someone brings the cranberry sauce. We’ve kept the kinship but given up the musket! With funerals we should keep the hugs, the stories, and even the tears but we can give up the sharpening of the spade. Lean on your local funeral professionals, talk to your funeral director, ask for what you want. Funerals tend to follow certain patterns, but if the pattern doesn’t feel right for your family, let your funeral director know.

Your funeral professionals are there to help you. They are there to ease the task. They will be pleased to work with you to meet your needs. So, for example, if your family wants to extend the time they have with you at home before the funeral home takes you into their care, just ask for more time. If your family wants to be actively involved, putting together a video, speaking, conducting Zoom coverage for out-of-town family members, ask. Perhaps your family would like to have part of the service or a reception at home; don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and what you think will bring comfort to your family. As you go through the planning process with the funeral director, remember it’s your loved one’s funeral. You knew them best and you know your family best. Your funeral director wants your family to have the best experience possible. Ask for what you want and need.

The important thing is to be sure that if you have particular wishes for your own funeral and final disposition that you share your wishes with the family members who will need to carry them out. Conversely, if you will be responsible for carrying out arrangements for a loved one and are unaware of the preferences of your family member regarding service, burial, or cremation, you need to have a conversation.

Funeral homes have experience with planning in advance. This service is provided free of charge. It just takes a phone call and an hour or two of your time to get all of your questions answered and a plan in place.

www.vittstermeranderson.com